PUP HOOD

[bonebreak]

 

i engage with kink from a place of species first and foremost. there is a difference, for me, between puppy play, and what i am. i referenced this in a previous blog post, but the idea of wearing ears and tails and pup gear comes, for me, from a place of kink and play, whereas my wider experience of caninity is less tied to kink (although kink is also an embodied process for me), and more tied to a visceral and complicated tangible, somatic experience. 

if i put on a collar/a leash/a hood, that action leans more towards play than species euphoria. among many other things, i like playing with degradation, humiliation, condescension. i find being ‘diminished’ from wolf to human pup a satisfying manifestation of those things. while the trappings of kink can make my silhouette feel right, can paint an outline-of-almost over me, in a way that does feel comforting, and is very fun, my engagement with puphood, with wolfhood, with dogness, does not end there. 

i am also a werewolf. at pup/furry/kink events, i love the community feeling, but i do not want to be touched by or touch strangers. i do not want to be called a ‘good dog’ by anyone i do not know, nor do i want to be called a ‘good puppy’ by anyone other than my owner, ever. i wouldn’t say i engage with kink particularly quietly/privately, but i am not someone who goes in for enthusiastic (or otherwise) consent with strangers. i am not a friendly dog. i am a hybrid, a monster, something human-made and ill-equipped to be handled by anyone who is not extremely qualified and well-versed in what it takes to care for something like me. i am a half-wild animal with a handler. i am kept as a pet because i enjoy the degradation, and because i enjoy the trust and affection, and because i enjoy the knowledge that i choose this. 

i did not choose lycanthropy. but if i could, i would choose it every time. i would choose to make it more visceral, more real, more painful every time. i enjoy pain. i allow my owner to do harm to me, because we both enjoy it, and because it cements a dynamic between us that is the most fulfilling thing in my life. i like being punished for my natural behaviours, tamed, put in my place, domesticated. i like knowing that i can trust someone enough to hurt me. i like knowing that someone respects me enough to hurt me. 

i like knowing that, both inside and outside of scenes, that same person encourages me to bark, to howl, to engage with dogness. i like eating from a dog bowl, being shooed from furniture. i like running in the woods. i am wild, and i am not. i am two things. i am gendered and ungendered. i am worthy of love and worthy of pain. i am dog and wolf. i am monster and human. i play at dogness, and i am a dog. 

i like knowing what i am, and i like playing around in that knowledge, and in that self, in a way that allows me to expand and transform all the time. don't let me bite you, no matter how hard i beg. bind me and bite me yourself instead.