in the shadow of the rain

[bonebreak]

 the wind was strong and biting cold. the redwood outside my window was roiling like water. rain had lashed the windows, and fell now in sheets. the wall was speckled with the shadow of the rain-painted window. my room was lit with a single candle, and the shapes it made were solid and dark, shadow puppets of my pitcher plants, the branches outside, the shapes of the room. it was quiet, just wind and water. 

i laid myself out, stretched and comfortable. i felt hind paws grow in twitching, like a dog half-asleep. my legs twisted and pulsed until canine. my hands were long-knuckled paws. i could feel the mane along my neck and shoulders. my mind was quiet, alert instinct. i was peaceful. i knew if i could see my eyes, they would be mine, and they would not be mine. i laid like that for a long time, listening to the storm, and feeling my wolf body. there were two shapes in me; my top half mostly human, my lower half all wolf. my tail was draped over my legs; i could feel it at my coccyx, and i could feel it against my legs.

like meditation, like pain, like a hard run, i was both beyond myself and wedged firmly in my own body. i was a wolf, and i was more at peace with the between-form feeling than i have ever been before.

the wolf has buzzed beneath my skin since then, and walking through the city at dusk, i felt my teeth. i felt aware of my body, of my surroundings, like the wolf was more keyed-into things than human me. i'm feeling a lot lately, rolling around in the mess of discomfort, and liking what rubs itself into my pelt.

how will i continue to transform? i'm ready to find out.